i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
