A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
