Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
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My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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