im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
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Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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