It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
