Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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