***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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