i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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