I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
3 2 1 whiskey
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize