I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this just has baby written all over it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
