I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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