Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
