Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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