Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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