Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
FUCK WHALES
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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