I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
