In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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