shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
