My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
