my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
