So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
