Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
