god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
