so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
