break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
