I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
