trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize