how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
