Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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