Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
