ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
