So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
