On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
