Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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