I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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