chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
