My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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