i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
