Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
