I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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