Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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