I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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