and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
