she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
