you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
