i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
