I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
