I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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