connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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