I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
