we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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