I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
