I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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