Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
