i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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