i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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