the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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